Fruit of the Spirit

"A mistake made by many people with great convictions is that they will let nothing stand in the way of their views, not even kindness."
Bryant H. McGill   http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/kindness.html#JkDJkgp2XlX4SPED.99


Recently, some hurtful comments were directed at a friend of mine, which has got me thinking about kindness.  As a justification for unkindness, the person who shared these comments expressed something similar to the following (which I saw posted on facebook):

"Some people love me, some like me, some hate me...I don't pretend to be someone I'm not.  I am who I am, you can love me or not.  I won't change!!...I make no apologies for the way I am."  (Originally from Daveswordsofwisdom.com)

This sentiment is often given in a very positive, "I'm okay, you're okay" kind of way, as an affirmation of self-esteem.  But are you really okay if there are people in the world who hate you?  More to the point, are they okay?  Shouldn't you perhaps be asking what on earth you did to make people hate you?  Must have been something pretty awful, and yet we're encouraged by these kinds of "no apologies" statements to carry on with our possibly appalling behavior as long as we feel okay about it.

I'm not suggesting that we accept unquestioningly any negative comments directed at us, and it's entirely possible for someone to hate you with no real provocation.  But it's unlikely, isn't it?  And shouldn't we at least feel obliged to consider whether we deserve any ill-will toward us?  To review our words and actions to see whether maybe someone's low opinion is justified?  Nah, because then we'd have to change our behavior, and take a hit to our self-esteem.  It's all about self-esteem, right?

Wrong.  What's the point of self-esteem if there's nothing real to esteem?  If you don't esteem mean behavior in others, why should you so blithely accept it in yourself?  Unthinking dismissal of another's criticism of us is an uncompromising stance that forbids honest feedback and prevents an ongoing relationship.

When this incident occurred, it reminded me of a similar one several years ago, where another friend of mine, whom I'll call "Liz" was criticized (unfairly, I thought) for a project she'd worked very hard on.  I decided that the criticism in this case came down to the other person's sense of entitlement; that she had the right to request that the situation around her be made to meet her needs, even at the expense of inconveniencing and even hurting my friend.  I've seen this before: I used to have a friend who, every time we ate out, would call the waiter over to complain about something.  Every time.  She was always extremely polite and very friendly in her complaints, and usually received an equally polite and friendly response.  But after awhile, I realized that she felt entitled to manipulate the situation to suit her wishes.  The trouble is, she never considered the cost of this to those tasked with making changes.  In the case of "Liz", the cost wasn't simply a matter of inconvenience.  She felt really hurt by the constant complaining she endured throughout the project.

That's not to say that people should politely and silently endure appalling service or treatment from others.  But if a reasonable effort has been made, and no egregious error presented, simply letting go can be a kinder option.

That's all I'm saying.